Its 6am on a Sunday and I am wide awake. Nothing new there except Robin is fast asleep curled into me. So I should be too, but I can’t, something is playing on my mind.

This coming Friday I am going into work for a keeping in touch day. Not just a quick hello but a full day, and whilst this brings up a myriad of different thoughts and emotions my main worry is “what the hell am I going to wear?!”

Sounds trivial but the more I think about it the more I stress. Cue postpartum body insecurities!

I have pretty much always been big apart from a brief couple of years when I lost weight. But ever since we bought our house 6 years ago the weight has crept on and on.

When I was pregnant it was an odd concept to be able to show off my tummy which most of the time I was trying to disguise. But it was nice not to have to worry for those few months.

After having Robin my body felt strange and looked even more mis shapen. Had the surgeons put all my organs back in the right place?! My shape had changed, plus there was the extra weight from my Coca Cola and mac and cheese cravings. Seriously does anyone ever have healthy pregnancy cravings?! I ate so much mac and cheese my boss suggested I call my baby Mac.

But when I started to get upset about the mis shapen blob of fat I saw I told myself to snap out of it, these early days were about Robin, not me.

I describe being on maternity leave as a bit of a bubble in many ways. Comfort became key and when I shrugged off the maternity leggings I moved into jeggings and tops. Fine for everyday wear but not for work.

The mums I had met since having Robin didn’t care what I looked like, they have never known me to look any different. But at work before I was pregnant I was rarely seen in trousers, it was all about the pretty dresses.

I kind of feel as though I have lost my dressing identity a bit. People speak about new mothers feeling as though they lose their identity a bit. I never considered this would also spill into my physical identity. To make things more difficult I was also having to try and dress for a different shape and try and hide even more problem areas.

So let the panic stricken clothes buying commence. Throw in a virtually non existent budget and this is going to prove difficult.

Why do I feel such pressure to resume to my former self so quickly? (and that was still big!) I have just had a child, my body is still recovering. Yes I need to up the healthy eating and exercise tremedously but I shouldn’t have unrealisitic expectations. It took time to pile on, it will take time to come off.

Wish me luck. Thankfully I won’t be back at work for a few months yet giving me time to figure out how to dress again. Time to crack open the massive box of pre pregnancy clothes and see if anything still fits and if it does does it still flatter?

At least my insanely swollen feet and ankles have returned to normal now meaning my selection of footwear options have improved…

Are you struggling with your postpartum look? How have you made yourself feel beautiful?

Camilla-Erika x